And so the moment had arrived. The last time – in a long time at least – I would experience watching my team Liverpool in a Manchester ale house. The last time I’d be forced to switch allegiances on grounds of personal safety; & hopefully, yet highly unlikely, the last time I’d have to endure the partisan presumptions from United fans.

For this weekend - after much contemplation - I’ve decided to leave sunny Manchester for the greener & ultimately safer pastures of Ireland; the land of the Gaelic Games, as the plot thickens & contradictions look set to continue.

Unable to resist slipping back into character & going against the grain one last time, I ordered a Guinness, grabbed a pew & watched on in wonderment as Liverpool took on Reading at the Madejski. It turned out to be one of the more memorable, most enjoyable games of the season & bizarrely responsible for rekindling my passion for Liverpool FC, my love of football & reaffirming my affections for Mancunians.

There will be many things I’ll miss about Manchester – or Chorlton to be precise – most notably: (& in no particular order) The Inn Plaice, Barbeque’s breakfast barms, the secret charms of the vibrant Beech Rd, & Oxfam’s bookshop – IMO, the pearl of Chorltania.

But most notably of all, I’ll miss the eye-opening & uniquely invigorating experience of being a Liverpool fan in Manchester. Don’t get me wrong, two years of celebrating Liverpool goals in silence, alone in piss-stenched toilet cubicles has certainly had its drawbacks. But the rewards will certainly drown out hours of uncomfortable lip-biting & all lingering smells I’d duly been subjected to. Reading Vs Liverpool was indeed a pleasant surprise. In a game holding no particular significance, I witnessed one of the finest all-round performances from a Red centre-forward for many a year. A vintage Owen or Fowler, or even Rush at his peak would’ve struggled to match the talented, all action display of our newest amigo Fernando Torres. Not only did he bag a hat-trick, but he also showed the kind of character & work-rate not normally associated with foreigners playing in England. For me - on Tuesday night - a new star was born on Merseyside.

Torres has the skill & pace of Henry, with the work-rate & desire of a Shearer; now that’s no small accolade. Since the demise of Fowler & once the false dawn created by ‘that’ Michael Owen wonder goal versus the Argies had subsided (I’ve since found Owen to be very one-dimensional), I’ve been searching for a new hero in a Liverpool shirt & in Fernando, I may just have found one. 

Prior to the Reading game I’d slumped into a mini-depression, in fear of another Houllier-esque performance & prepared myself for another season of painfully relinquished hope. In all honesty, I found the Birmingham & Portsmouth games possibly more frustrating than a trip to the Trafford Centre with the girlfriend. So in an end-to-end action packed match, the excitement was nothing if unexpected. For want of a better phrase: it was a game brimming with life & had me glued to my seat.

As I sat transfixed amongst the enemy, listening to the moans & dismissive rants of envious Mancs, I began to saver the moment, appreciating something I will miss enormously.

After a thoroughly entertaining first half, the game was in the balance. Torres was running Reading ragged, despite being battered all over the park & had just scored his first of three expertly taken goals. Steve Coppell’s men responded brilliantly though & equalised for the second time in the match. Amid murmurs of “Fergie should’ve signed him when he had the chance”, a man persistently asked for updates as he floated between bar & the outside smoking area. He then asked the bloke sitting beside me - who was deep in conversation about the importance of local rivers & ship canals in the economic growth of Manchester - if the match was in any way entertaining? The response he received was a classic & so typical of the now legendary cynical Mancunian humour: “Iv seen more life in Southern Cemetery lad” was His response. For all those not familiar with Southern Cemetery or Manc humour even, it’s a notoriously large graveyard situated in South Manchester, as referenced by The Smiths in their timeless & misspelt classic ‘Cemetry Gates’ & where Sir Matt Busby, among many, now rests.
 
To be honest though, after all my tribulations of watching Liverpool in Manchester, never had I witnessed exact hatred or outright nastiness towards their supposedly bitter rivals - Liverpool. Scathing attacks were never vicious & the taunting always in jest. It’s largely a friendly rivalry exaggerated through football & one that I’ll miss immensely when I’m gone.

And so I move on; to become an Englishman in Ireland, supporting a soccer team from England & worshiping a Spaniard who plays for Liverpool. But as well as declaring my love for Liverpool, I’ll now speak highly of similar folk, of harmonious pride & humour, with the loves, the hates and the passions just like mine. The people of Chorlton, the people of Manchester - good people, people I’ll miss immensely.       

What a difference a week makes in football.

A week ago, both Everton and Liverpool knew that a win could send them top. Tonight, phone-ins and letter pages speak louder than bombs in suggesting time could be running out for messrs Benitez and Moyes.

An overstatement perhaps. Though it is difficult to argue that recent events, performances and decisions have caused more fans than usual to question the job security of our favourite David Gest and Groundskeeper Willie / V visitor* look-alikes.

At this point it might be worth me offering a personal stance on the debate before we delve deeper. Having been called an uttertwat, bitter bluenose whinger and genius  based on earlier articles, I do not write this with an ulterior motive. I am a Moyes fan, and though I find Benitez’s inane excuses and complaints laughable, do admire him as a coach and believe most of the criticism to be rather unfair. Apart from of his beard.

Anyway, on with the show.

I do not feel particularly sorry for these two, they come into the job knowing exactly what to expect. Especially on the veritable hotbed of football banter / knowledge that is Merseyside and its associated opportunities for fans to voice their opinion. Both managers have pulled off masterstrokes early on in their career, what with the People’s Club quote and some trophy they won in Constantinople, but it could also be said that both have been a little lucky to stay in a job at times and have never entirely convinced people.

Liverpool at least haven’t been losing games. By all accounts it could have been worse down at Portsmouth, and while the Porto result wasn’t great, a point there is a positive. Expectations are such though, that a niller at home to Birmingham is not acceptable, particularly when you leave arguable your best striker on the bench. That overhead showed his class and it’s not something we’ll have to deal with anytime soon, but squad rotation for the sake of it seems silly when four points are dropped.

Everton have, it has to be said, been a little unlucky in terms of injuries, with Cahill, Arteta, Gravesen, Howard and Vaughan all missing at present. The United game was a strange one, surely at least a couple of these players could have made a difference. As for Metalist, that one match reminded me why I love being an Evertonian so much. The months of expectancy, the late kick off, the atmosphere, the missed penalties… I left with a smile on my face and that says something. As for Villa, bad decisions and a lack of bite meant the Blues were jeered off, some might say let’s put it down to experience and move on.

The title of this article doesn’t mean I apologise for being an uttertwat. It actually refers to our striker situation, by that I mean Andy Johnson, James Beattie and Yakubu. In a way, I’m sorry for each, just for different reasons.

I’m never sure if you should feel sorry for a footballer. Gazza’s tears, horrific injuries, News of the World exposes aside, how can one truly feel sympathy for a grown man paid thousands to live out our dreams? Especially when a small portion of that wage is actually funded by ourselves. Maybe I’m being over-sensitive, it is certainly difficult to feel bad for someone who as an earlier article (one that didn’t actually get too much criticism) described the spectacle of seeing the expensive cars and washbags first hand.

But the fact remains that to fail or make a mistake at the highest level in front of watching thousands must be hard to take sometimes. I’m sure they get used to it from an early age, the growing pressure and exposure being the catalyst for an inflated ego or thickened skin. I hope they do anyway – I know I wouldn’t be able to cope with the guilt or disappointment the three aforementioned might be feeling now.

Like I said, maybe it doesn’t matter to them. It is unlikely that many players can feel as much love and despair as us fans for a club they are merely an employee of at the end of the day, yes there are some exceptions, but nowadays the shirt-kissing and signing on fees suggest a coolness or disassociation from getting too involved, what with the risk of future lucrative pay days or transfer requests. I firmly believe that these three do care to some extent – which is why I worry for their emotional health and well being at present.

Johnson in particular looks a player short on confidence, an attribute much needed as a professional I would presume. His body language and current scoring record do not make good viewing, and certainly neither did his penalties in the UEFA cup. Alright so he’s not our first or second choice penalty taker and I missed a couple for Barton Rovers Under 14s so kind of know how hard it is, but even so, in such an important game, surely only Everton could have had such a laughable experience. The second awarding of a penalty caused many around me in the Gwladys Street to roll their eyes and say “not him”, indeed star performer Baines looked keen to have a go, but Captain Neville made sure AJ stepped up and the rest is history. The question is then, would Johnson want our sympathy? And how long can his goalless streak continue before fans question his place in the team?

Which leads us to Beattie. Yes I know he’s no longer an Everton player but look how well he has started the season, seven goals for Sheffield United. One Sunday paper suggested he was reminding McClaren of his prowess, and pleading not to be overlooked. This is the player who only scored a couple for us last season, was given many chances by the manager and just never took them. I certainly felt sorry for him, as he ran around huffing and puffing across the turf like an ungainly deer. But the whole being paid a lot to do little did negate my anguish somewhat. I sincerely hope James is top scorer this season, he is a fellow Lancastrian after all, but I feel he will always have a little regret that it didn’t work out. Only time will tell if we do too.

As for Yakubu, the way he worked for a move to Everton means he will certainly have few fans or sympathisers. One esteemed writer said his performance in the European match suggested he’d had a bereavement in the family. I’m all for timing runs and preserving energies but when it makes you look lazy and simply not arsed it becomes a problem. I hope we don’t end up sorry we paid so much.

Maybe all three will come good and I’ll be labelled and berated again. But at least I won’t be sorry.

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 The EFP

By the end of last season it really wasn’t much fun being a City fan even by our own standards, not that I’m saying it has been a bed of roses for the last 3 decades, but the atmosphere amongst the fans was extremely low, somewhat disparate to past seasons of failure. We were even issued with paper clips and a rubber band; in a makeshift smile kit by one fanzine, as it was getting that hard to raise one.

The team had ended the season without scoring a home league goal since New Years Day, some 8 matches and 720 minutes of football, scoring only 10 in total the whole season, and missing 2 penalties in the last 2 home games just rubbed salt in our wounds. The football was negative, the team visibly lacked confidence, while we had to put up with the ranting of a rookie manager on the touchline, which though endearing at first, became embarrassing, when you heard some of the nonsense he was shouting, his actions were more akin to an annoying dad at a kids football game. The players simply had no room to breath and express themselves.

Fans were going into the summer praying that we got took over, looking on enviously at clubs such as Portsmouth, Villa, West Ham. Asking why it hadn’t happened to us yet?

Had we shot ourselves in the foot, with too much debt?

It didn’t surprise many when Pearce was told to pack his bags, most blues liked Pearce ‘the man’, but his style of football and failures in the transfer market were his undoing, he’d simply created a very dull side which lacked pace and creativity.

After a period of uncertainty with the club in limbo (which lead to one of the few top quality players in Distin moving on), things started to happen. Eventually the well documented, and drawn out, takeover happened by way of the ex-Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Sinawatra (nicknamed Frank Sinatra by fans), who after much speculation surprised us all by appointing Erikkson as the new manager, foreseeing all that would have been way beyond the imagination of even the most optimistic blue.

As a result media attention on the club has intensified 10 fold, with the tabloid hacks salivating at the prospect of Sven failing miserably, to justify their stance on his England regime. I expect the witch-hunt against Sven and the team will be prominent in the opening weeks of the season, especially if we start poorly. I also believe we can now expect a proportion of the red top reading public, who have been brainwashed into despising Sven, openly wanting to see City lose, simply because he is at the helm.

I have to admit, I was somewhat undecided on his appointment, but looking beyond the negativity portrayed to us by the media (his personal life included), the hard facts are that England hired one of the most successful European club bosses of the modern era, who’s reputation on the continent is still intact, mainly due to their much more realistic version that England players aren’t as great as English public/media think.

Sven himself has won more major trophies than the club itself! Simply put, City have hired the most high profile and successful manager in the clubs history. Something we wouldn’t have been able to do without the promise of the new chairman’s money to invest in the team. Despite what we are led to believe, Sven is officially the 2nd most successful England manager of all time behind Sir Alf Ramsay, losing only five competitive games, two of which were on penalties.

Since he has took over Sven has been a busy man in the transfer market, quickly realising that the squad lacked quality and had become wafer thin. He has used his pulling power (which is just as good in football as it is with the ladies), to acquire some excellent talent from abroad, who are well known to European and World football fans, but to the average British football fan who only watches the premiership then they are nobodies.

Attracting players of the calibre of Elano and Petrov as well as sort after young players in Corluka, Bianchi and Bonijov, would not have been possible without a high profile manager. It should be noted, all the aforementioned, cited Eriksson being the biggest factor as to why they joined.

I have already read criticism from so called experts, who incidentally, are out of a job in football, criticising Sven for buying abroad and ignoring England players. Totally ignoring the fact that the English market is vastly inflated, so much so that Liverpool want £20million for Crouch, Spurs paid £16m for Darren Bent, West Brom want £9m for Curtis Davis and Newcastle want £8m for an injury prone trouble maker in Kieron Dyer…and on top of that, English players seem to be able to command ridiculous wages. Instead we have looked to get more value for our money, and have bought a mixture of young and experienced internationals, none of whom are over 30, which had been a major failing of the past two regimes, and who don’t cost an arm and a leg in wages.

Expectations of the team have now been raised, and there is a bounce in the steps of the fans again, though most are realistic, understanding that this season is very much a settling in period for team and manager. I expect us to struggle for the first half of the season as the new players acclimatise to the premiership and get to know each other. A top half finish while playing decent football will leave many a blue content this season.

It’s certainly going to be an interesting season at Eastland’s, and the blue half of Manchester can’t wait.       

                                                                                                                                        (9/10)

I was doing so well….for the first time in 17 years of supporting Liverpool, and after 17 consecutive years of shattered dreams, I awaited the season in a darkly pessimistic mood, having somehow managed to convince myself for the first time in my life that this wouldn’t actually be our year. It must have been some sort of self-protection mechanism akin to amnesia after a traumatic experience, albeit taking 17 fucking years to develop.

Anyway, I convinced myself that a defeat or even a draw at Villa Park followed by a spirit crushing opening home defeat to the cockney twats of Chelsea would have signalled the death knell for a championship hopes within the first week of the season. Having wanted us to sign Torres for years and been ridiculously excited when it actually happened I somehow managed to convince myself that the sceptics were right and he would struggle to adapt and would never become a twenty goal a season man. Equally, having convinced myself, after watching a two minute you-tube montage containing about four goals, that Ryan Babel was the next Thierry Henry, or might even live up to his own modest claims that he would become even better, a pre-season spent watching him display a first touch about as subtle as a Bernard Manning gag made me pine for the days of Heskey or Diouf. Okay I may be exaggerating a little about Heskey and Diouf but you get the picture.

Having watched the Newcastle Bolton game with what seemed like hundreds of Geordies in the only bar in the toon showing the match via the illegal Arabic channel, me and my now delirious Geordie mate (none other than EFP’s own toon dog) made our way to a quieter boozer to watch the reds. I was determined that my new found pessimism was here to stay. Rafa’s team sheet, with Arbeloa and Risse in left back and left mid positions respectively, immediately triggered the instinctive but unbelievably fickle annoyance at the man who inconceivably brought old big ears back home.

Despite this slightly worrying opening day team sheet Gerrard’s position at the fulcrum of the team stirred a flicker of hope. By the end of the match I had truly been through the wringer, nervously enduring the laboured opening, before the ecstasy of the Torres inspired and for once lucky break of an opening goal. The encouraging second half with the increasingly prominent Gerrard only being denied sealing a comfortable three points by Stuart Taylor somehow turning into a world class keeper was slowly chipping away at my resistance to unbridled optimism when disaster struck as Carragher had an aberration and villa inexplicably equalised from the spot. Same old story was ringing in my ears as I made a complete and utter dick of myself by punching a wall. When Gerrard conned the ref into awarding a free kick I could barely bring myself to watch seeing it as sick little sprinkling of salt in the gaping wound of my resurrected hopes.

The way it arched in and the maniacal celebrations coupled with the context of the game made it almost impossible to banish thoughts that this could indeed actually be Gerrard’s and Liverpool’s year. There seems to be a destiny about Gerrard and Liverpool, the way he pulled that goal against Olympiakos out of the bag, his one-off Mario Jardel impression in the final that year, and his truly unbelievable equaliser against West Ham in the cup final a year later. As he pointed out a couple of days later if Liverpool do go on to win the league this year that goal could be just as vital.   

Since then I’ve been fighting a gallant, largely unsuccessful battle, trying to regain my pessimism. The Toulouse away game didn’t alter much aside from reminding me what an awesome player Javier Mascherano is and consolidating a long held view that the central midfields of our rivals don’t compare. This view was further underlined in mackem land when momo’s goal capped an impressive return to form. The Chelsea game similarly didn’t see me getting too carried away, as despite out-playing them for large parts and being scandalously robbed by one of the most outrageous judgement calls since Jude Law cheated on Sienna Miller with that skanky baby-sitter, we had battered them at Anfield more comprehensively last year and the true tests of Benitez’s improved team was never going to be in one off games against title rivals at Anfield. Indeed, on the back of the close escape at Villa Park, the fact we had only taken a point from such a game seemed to be a worrying echo of last season’s deficiencies, especially the sickening united game at Anfield.

Having said all that, the nature of our goal with Gerrard sliding Torres through and seeing a Liverpool striker for the first time in years skin a defender before finishing clinically did suggest some sort of corner may have been turned. This theory was further underlined at the preposterously named stadium of light. While we again wasted a host of opportunities, with Torres missing at least three gilt-edged chances, and had to wait until the last minute for the score line to even begin to reflect our superiority, the sight of Torres bursting past Nosworthy and McShane early in the second half was evidence of the new dimension he gives us. This combined with the metamorphosis of Jermaine Pennant into a star player and the electric pace and moments of unpredictable genius of Babel have transformed the attacking aspects of the side beyond recognition.

The ten goals and consummate ease of the victories against Toulouse and Derby merely served to bolster the belief that this is a new team with both victories showing the kind of commitment rarely seen at Anfield in such supposedly straight forward matches. Moreover, whilst the weakness of the opposition in these two games needs to be remembered, the smoothness of transition following a number of changes in both matches suggests that Rafa may finally have a squad good enough to endure the highly necessary rotation policy the press are so obsessed with.

Thus, while I am well aware that the season is only six games old and much sterner tests, including an inevitably revitalised united, will come, my pre-season pessimism went out the window almost as early as my usual optimism does; and another away win at Fratton Park would almost definitely tip me back into the dangerous state of belief that this is the year….

Just think about it. The educational analogies are long and clear when you look closer.

All the end of term celebrations and awards. A long summer of rest and recuperation, before preparing for a new year with hopes and aspirations. Buying the new kit, or uniform, or for us teachers, spending loads at Primark so you look the part. A large building full of people where many have gone before. Having to get to know loads of new signings  (I now know how City fans must feel when I was faced with thirty new Year 7 faces). Difficult fixtures, that is lessons, with challenging opponents. League tables. Training, that is revision, before the exams or World Cup tournament. Emotions running high during fifty minute matches when you try to win ie actually teach something. Dealing with bad behaviour and the punishments. Marking, or post-match analysis. Being proud of what you support, even though it’s often difficult and upsetting (well, mine is a tough school). And like Everton, in a couple of years our school will close and move to a futuristic new home.

In terms of football, 2007-8 promised much after an eventful summer. Money was spent frivolously, new television channels arrived, controversy reigned after certain events, and anticipation was high. So far, it hasn’t disappointed.

Liverpool have unsurprisingly been the most impressive team in my region so I’ll start with them. They remind me of a year 11 lad who I never got on with but so far he has returned with a changed attitude and is actually pleasant to me. I hate to say it but Voronin, Babel, Pennant and particularly Torres have been outstanding. Liverpool can now play more exciting attacking football on the break, and are getting results where they once wouldn’t have. But for a dodgy decision (when I said same old story to a drunk Red after that match, he didn’t get the irony, but I was proud of it) they would have a hundred percent record.

Another team in red who’ve started well is Morecambe, though slightly less famously. They’re like my new ICT set, a small group with promise but naïve and with lots to learn. Their wins at Preston and Tranmere were fantastic, and a couple of other good results mean they are nicely settled in League Two, with an intriguing away tie at Sheffield United to come. Elsewhere in Lancashire, Preston and Blackpool have not set their league alight just yet, and Seasiders/Tangerines/whatever nickname you like, must be worried that Simon Grayson may soon be off to join the Mandaric madness at Leicester. However, just down the road, Blackburn have made a good start. They were unlucky not to beat Everton recently, and are progressing nicely in Europe. Roque Santa Cruz is not just the inspiration for some good chants but looks a class act, and even though they are still bruisers, have some very good and skilful players going forward who will score them goals.

Tranmere are solid if unspectacular, and have had a couple of good away wins. Carlisle were doing well too, despite losing their manager early on, but lost at home last week and will be looking to get back to winning ways soon. Wigan are up and down, with Heskey doing especially well and deserving an England recall.

These teams represent my new classes, I know a bit about them but we’ve not spent enough time together for me to comment further. I’m sure we will get to know each other better and I’ll soon have more to say about them. Wigan actually came to us the first day of the season and looked poor, but then we didn’t look much better. They were that difficult first lesson that you just want to get through with minimum fuss and a positive outcome. However, the Tottenham away game will already be one of the highlights of the season, a bit like my lie-ins during the weekend after the first week back, and all looked very good when we sat proudly at the summit of the football league. Even after two matches, that was a sight for sore eyes, as were Arteta’s silky skills. The wheels seemed to have come off after the disappointments of Reading and Blackburn, but then came Bolton away, and the joy of seeing Joleon wheeling away after his last minute winner.

To be honest, the signings Moyes has made have so far looked very good. At least an hour of deadline day was spent with me sat transfixed on various websites awaiting the sight of Riquelme in a blue shirt holding up a replica footy. Sadly this was just a fantasy, but even the Argentinian would have struggled to match the immediate effect that Yakubu and Gravesen had at the Reebok. Baines and Jagielka are also looking really good acquisitions, though less high profile, and Steven Pienaar has showed glimpses of a talent but looks a little lightweight, perhaps a bit like Leon Osman.

Talking of Gravesen, I was slightly surprised by his return. People often say you should never go back. Experience from past relationships will have taught many of us that. For us Evertonians, the experiences of Ferguson and Kendall (twice) have made painful viewing, but since Tommy Grav was never everyone’s cup of tea first time around, we’ll reserve judgement a little longer. He will never be as good a player as the seemingly snidey Manuel Fernandes, but on his day can be effective and clearly loves the club and the fans which will do for me.

Upcoming games against Utd and Metalist will tell us more about where we are, but even if we lose both, the signs are promising. I think Everton are like my tutor group. I love them to bits and they sometimes frustrate me but they try hard and I see them often enough to know what to expect from them. They have their moments and a couple of difficult individuals but what I like most about them is that they’re mine and they appreciate my support, we grow together and I’ll defend them to the hilt.

In terms of the rest of the school, sorry Premier League, new initiatives, approaches and attitudes have made interesting viewing. It looks like being a slightly less predictable season, even Manchester United haven’t done much yet. Tottenham have surprised many with their lacklustre start, their match with Arsenal will be interesting I’m sure. Meanwhile, teams like Villa and Manchester City look much stronger than last year and may continue to surprise the top teams. As things stand, that group includes Everton, which is a nice thing to be saying. England do often flatter to deceive, but did quite well against Israel and may continue the feel good factor around football at the minute.

Unlike football however, my first week back was rubbish. But, just like football, there’s always hope. The Carling Cup’s coming up soon. But then again, we might just get an Ofsted.

Please Submit Your Answers Below

1. Sunderland did it in 1979, Villa did it in 1981, who did it in 1980? And what was it?

2. Who was the first player to move across Stanley Park from Liverpool to Everton?
3. Who is the only player to have won the Champions League in consecutive seasons with two different clubs?
4. Which player started his career with Doncaster Rovers in 1985 and went onto to play for Sheff Utd, Benfica, Middlesbrough and Sunderland?
5. Which Championship fixture from last season had Pele, Best and Moore all playing?  

Or, if anyone has any brain-teasers of their own, then please enlighten us below!