Okay so this is going to be a weird one but stay with me.

It’s actually part of a bigger project, a University Masters level research topic would you believe. It was inspired by a 1980s Twilight Zone episode featuring Elliot Gould, playing a restaurant critic whose life is transformed by fortune cookies, and by a visit to a Karaoke Chinese here in Liverpool with the prospective in-laws, when I opened my own fortune cookie which read “Help, I’m stuck in a fortune cookie factory”. This was only the beginning of a long project questioning whether or not what the oracular strips of printed paper say, do come true.

Do fortune cookies really work? You should try them sometime

Last weekend’s fixtures offered the ideal opportunity to check the theory in terms of football, and not just because Liverpool were top of the league after a frankly convincing win at Chelsea – indeed, Everton’s luck already seemed to be turning after Fellaini had swooped twice in four days.

Anyhow, never one for orthodoxy, on Saturday 1st November at 11 am exactly, I opened eight fortune cookies, already assigned (at random) to the teams I cover in the north west. They read, looked and tasted as follows:

Liverpool (Silk road, red wrapper)
Keep me and fortune will always be with you

Everton (Tiger Tiger, Blue wrapper)
You will be lucky in love (tasted orangey too)

Blackburn (Beijing Gold – looked slightly burnt)
You will be successful in your work (this tasted of coconut)

Wigan (Silk road, red again)
Your mind is filled with ideas, use them (unfortunately, slightly burnt)

Carlisle (Tiger Tiger, green wrapper)
There is a time to be practical - now

Preston (Beijing Gold – not a great taste)
Someone is speaking well of you

Blackpool (Silk Road)
You will travel far and wide on both business and pleasure

Morecambe (Tiger Tiger, red wrapper this time)
You will travel far and wide, both pleasure and business

Now through all this, I really want to discover what percentage of fortune cookies come true, but there are many traditions people have as to what makes them come true in the first place – for example, some believe that if you recount out loud what the sooth says it won’t come true, whilst others are adamant that you have to eat the cookie for any chance of it proving correct. Therefore, to maximise the chance of anything positive happening, I did both – that is, told no-one, but ate each in turn, what a breakfast.

Rooney nearly mares my day by slobbering all over his United badge

Soon after, I set off for old lady Goodison. On the train I was thinking, we hadn’t won at home yet this season (or pre-season), in fact apart from the second half against Man Utd the week previous, things were pretty dire and I’d begun to regret renewing my season ticket – indeed, for that match marred by Rooney slobbering over the yellow and red crest on his breast, fate had decreed once again I was to endure a stressful half hour in the pub, when I should have been conducting a separate fortune cookie experiment, sipping a brandy or two to soothe the cold rain outside instead of being in the ground watching it live, but that’s another story for an article I’ll never write.

I stared out of the window as we approached Kirkdale, the sun was shining, and after kick-off the mood was quite bright, almost optimistic, but the multiple missed chances meant that a sense of impending doom grew large throughout the match, especially as the wood work was struck twice following hapless Fulham finishing. Kenwright was coming in for stick, the crowd was our lowest under Moyes, and thoughts turned to what my love life had in store for me to overcome this minor let down. However, with three minutes remaining, Louis leapt like a proverbial sahalmon and our luck seemed to be back in.

I’ve written many times before about the differences between our loves and lives, and I was actually already in the midst of a pretty romantic weekend as it happens, but as I have to remind myself on a seemingly monthly basis, this article should be about football. Let’s just say in this instance, the cookie was right – both personally and in terms of the match, I really was lucky in love (or Louis) and the experiment had got off to a great start.

Other results, however, were mixed.

Carlisle for example, lost 3-0, a result that apparently resulted in John Ward losing his job after a series of defeats left them teetering above the relegation zone. Clearly the board took heed of the cookie’s message then, and were practical – a battle against the drop meant drastic action needed to be taken and a managerial casualty ensues. Two nil to the cookies.

Carlisle think practical and sack John Ward - cookies right again

Blackpool however won 4-3, with a last minute winner. Again, this had an effect, as the amicable Aidy Boothroyd’s position became untenable following this defeat. However, the Tangerines are our citric concern here – and they clearly travelled far, did the business, and it brought them pleasure.

At this point, Jeff Stelling’s excited squeals as the panel approached the final whistles suggested I should think about conducting this experiment every week…

But, then we watched for the result from P P PNE, the club that as previously discussed, ignited the spark of interest in the beautiful game. They chose to upset the theories on Saturday, losing 2-3 at home to Southampton, thus maintaining mid-table ignominy. Here a cookie suggested Larry Folger*-like misfortune – without even realising it, someone is not speaking well of Preston here, see I’ve just typed damning words about them, simply because they’re upsetting the biscuit cart. Still, the cookies are three one up at halfway point.

Back to the ‘Prem’ and once again I brush over the less well-supported teams of my region. I feel bad about it, I really do, but Wigan and Blackburn just can’t get me excited enough to type more than a paragraph on their exploits – sorry if this offends, and with a trip to the stadium** that shall not be named coming up soon there’s a plate with words on it and a knife and fork available to EAT MY WORDS but once again I’ll pay (chapped) lip service to the blue and white Lancashire boys and just say that Emile Heskey’s and (the strangely funnily appearanced) Keith Andrews’ last minute goals merely added weight to the theory that fortune cookies come true… Ideas were used to overcome the conditions at Fratton Park, and there was success in their work at West Brom for Rovers.

Only Morecambe left then, and as we saw their fortune was very similar to Blackpool’s, even though the cookies’ manufacturers were different. Morecambe won 2-0 last Saturday, and although they were at home, that’s yet another pleasurable outcome for the Shrimps.

Which leaves us with one more result. Liverpool have been rewarded far more column inches by this author than one might expect recently, largely complimentary too. It was perhaps not surprising that the ‘Arry effect would influence their result in the tea time game, read Jordan Lister’s contribution for a better comment on Spurs’ exploits though. However, I did think they would win that game, and it certainly seems that fortune is always with them.

It was a little disappointing then, even for me, that against Tottenham their luck seemed not to be in, what with chances galore going begging and the squeaky-voiced restaurateur’s og before a last minute winner. But then I remembered twenty three years of regular disappointment and shock at the lucky breaks they’d had, dodgy decisions they’d been given, an even longer history of fortune favouring Liverpool than that wot I could recall***. And lest we forget, only three nights previous, Papa Boupa Diop’s inexplicable Limpar-like handball had given them an undeserved victory.

The message was right, I accepted long ago - FORTUNE WILL ALWAYS BE WITH THEM (they really might never walk alone)

Fortune favours Gerrard & Liverpool (again), anyone for chinese?

Normal service was then resumed this week when Captain Marvel won that dubious penalty and the rest, as they say, is history. Soon it will be beyond self-parody and I’ll have little to write about. Thankfully, though, all is not lost - that same evening, across the Atlanticthe colour blue (the people’s choice) was defeating the (seemingly evil) red in a much more important event than my silly little experiment. Hope springs eternal.

Superstition plays a part in football, I’ve said it before. The origins of fortune cookies are debatable, as are the merits of reading too much into them. But, the next time you wash your lucky undergarments, walk under that ladder, or step out of your usual pre-match routine, just think to yourself, could I determine the outcome of today’s fixtures? My breakfast last week suggests you could.

Roll on Saturday morning!****

*Larry Folger was the guy in the Twilight Zone. After many a cryptic cookies coming true, the last message he read read ‘You’re dead’.

**Long story

*** This sentence was a show of support for my mum’s cousin’s nephew, who goes by the name of Russell Brand.

**** To celebrate the end of my longest and most elaborate article for efp yet, I opened a fortune cookie for anyone who reads this to the end. But, if I tell you what it said, it won’t come true. Don’t worry, it’s good.